The Essence of Nothingness

The exact essence of the universe was demonstrated by Acme the Cretin of Cornwall in his response to Anselm's "Ontological Argument" in his magnum opus, Proof of the Circularity of the Tautology (1103, Medieval Press). In this paper, Acme showed that if one put a marble in a box and then sealed the box, one could not know at what point the marble became a cockroach. All that could be determined with certainty is that the cockroach turned back into a marble any time someone looked inside the box. This is exactly the proof Odious the Great needed to justify the prohibition of the manufacture of marbles in 1115.

Later Erwin Shrodinger modified this experiment using a cat but the cat ate the marble and died. Since Shrodinger couldn't see inside the box, he didn't know when the cat ate the marble or how much later it died. All he found was the dead cat and a half eaten cockroach. From this he was able to confirm that time does not exist inside a sealed box.

Philander Potts, professor of Cosmetology at the Cornel Phenomenology Laboratory, added to this discovery in 1973 with his insight into the Law of Motion, Our Friend Inertia (Journal of Modern Science and Crossdressing No.1246). He observed that as more people got into a Volkswagen Van the longer it took to accelerate to its top speed of 40 miles per hour. Alas, it also took even longer to stop. On his monument at the Arecibo Observatory in Puerto Rico is incised his formula: "1 marble + 1 dead cat + one Volkswagen Van = 40 miles per hour. " From all of this it becomes obvious that, if there is really anything existing in the universe, it looks exactly like a marble. Extrapolating from that we arrive at the sure and certain conclusion that all is not what it seems which is the very essence of the proof for the non-existence of the universe. The philosophical implications are enormous. What we see as existing is merely the appearance of existence. Reality is in the observing. What is observed is ourselves observing our own perceptions. The universe is only our perception of it and it has no independent existence. We create the universe by looking at it. This is obvious and examples abound: Television remote controls work because they have a manual that says they will. The manual, read or not, is a collection of incantations giving power to whoever holds the device. The humble and ubiquitous battery is merely the repository of these incantations and others like them. It is our belief that is the real and ultimate power, not the thing believed in. Existence exists because we believe it does. Without us there is nothing. With us there is still nothing but since we don't believe in nothing, nothing is exactly what happens.